On Spring Cleaning.

March 17, 2010 at 1:43 PM 9 comments

The last few weeks for me have been a bit tougher on my emotions than I would like to admit. I’ve been having a hard time keeping positive about certain aspects of my current lifestyle and I let them make me feel stuck.

Stuck inside these walls.

Stuck with a sponge in one hand and a vacuum in the other.

Stuck not knowing what I want or what I need or what to do.

Just stuck, in an ugly place that left me feeling exhausted and had me at the edge of tears more often than is characteristic for me. It wasn’t pleasant for me or Eric, and I could sense the growing impatience for me, from the both of us, and I could feel a perpetual knot of discomfort and fear and awkwardness in the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t what I wanted.

And so I wrote and cried to myself and reread it and read your words of comfort and understanding and encouragement and I realized it…

This is completely my choice.

I’m choosing to look at certain circumstances of my current lifestyle as bad, uncomfortable, not what I want, instead of taking full advantage of them and living loud and proud and sucking up as much life as I can.

Why?

Because it’s so different. It’s outside of the realm of the practical, the normal, the standard – all invisible bars which I have always denounced. Expectations that I said I would never subscribe to living by; only living up to my own expectations count in this life.

My own.

And my expectations?

To choose to wake up in a good mood and keep that mood throughout the day.

To laugh as much in one day as is humanly possible.

To create things with written words, paints, pencils, seeds, spoken word (or the sung word – even if I’m not at all good at it), and daydreams.

To stop choosing to be sad and miserable and lonely and realize that there is a world at my fingertips, outside my door, inside my heart, mind and soul.

To know that there is absolutely no reason for me to be bored or feel unproductive – I have a laptop, paper, huge piles of art media, books and my imagination, personality and feelings; a world that is endlessly inspiring.

To realize that the writers I admire, the ones that are turning their typed words into new lives, jobs, dreams come true aren’t just lucky; they fought to make this happen. They braved the looks, the disapproval, the confusion, the potential to fall on their faces and they acted anyway. They acted on passion and courage and love, and I can too.

To remember to learn everyday; the mind is as important a muscle as any other.

To stay aware of and start acting on my wants, desires, needs and stop acting on fear, insecurity and the need to please others before myself.

To love myself, inside and out, and to recognize all the beauty in me and not shy away from it, dull it down, or be afraid of it.

To grasp the fact that what I have to give, however unpractical, abnormal, or as far from the standard as is possible, is valuable and worthwhile and meaningful.

To live life as a major player, the star, and not some sidelined extra. I’m the only person I have to answer to and I will forever wake up and go to sleep with me, and it matters that I lived large, and boldly, and authentically, hungry for all that life has to give.

And how much would it take to live up to these expectations? I mean really?

All I can think of is just being myself; boldly, wildly, authentically, without apologies but with all the hunger and passion and sparkle that I can. Just being the person that I know I am, the person that I hide, and dumb down, and put after so many other people and things.

And I have all that I need – here – and I don’t need to come up with anymore excuses, or bad moods, or expectations that aren’t my own to keep me from living the life I want; right now, right here.

So here’s to spring cleaning out the negative and putting the most important things firstmyself.

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On Being Alone. On Extra Syllables.

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hannahkaty  |  March 17, 2010 at 2:53 PM

    This is so good. God, I love reading your writing so much. I feel like I can relate to you so much.

    Thanks for the inspiration! And good luck with the Spring Cleaning.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

    Reply
    • 2. cescogar321  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:41 PM

      Hannah, your words, your passion are endlessly inspiring – and I am glad that I could have had any sort of similar impact on you šŸ™‚

      Keep writing! And thanks as always for coming by šŸ™‚

      All my best,
      Carolina

      Reply
  • 3. Amy --- Just A Titch  |  March 17, 2010 at 10:14 PM

    Love the idea of spring cleaning the negative. You can so do this. Wish you were here so we could talk about life over coffee.

    Reply
    • 4. cescogar321  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:39 PM

      You have no idea what I would do to run away with you to a Starbucks right now…

      Thank you, as always ā¤

      Reply
  • 5. Magpie  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:02 PM

    Ohh I need to do this… That part you wrote about how authors and that aren’t just ‘lucky’, they actually work for it; did you really have to go and burst my bubble like that??! Okay, ALRIGHT, I’m opening up microsoft word as I type. Dammit.

    Thanks for the kick up the ass!

    Reply
    • 6. cescogar321  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:29 PM

      lol, I know the feeling! My mom used to tell me, “Prince Charming isn’t going to walk to our front door and then up to your room…go get him!” I suppose there’s no time like the present to take the same approach to life (and writing)!

      Thanks for reading šŸ™‚ I look forward to reading all your Dazzle has to offer…

      All my best,
      Carolina

      Reply
  • 7. Liz  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:25 PM

    Wow. This brought me to tears in SUCH a good way. Lady you deserve-
    “To live life as a major player, the star, and not some sidelined extra. Iā€™m the only person I have to answer to and I will forever wake up and go to sleep with me, and it matters that I lived large, and boldly, and authentically, hungry for all that life has to give.”

    Among all the other things you listed. This is a post so many people wish they could write but just can’t…it’s hard to be so self aware. I really believe there is nothing you can’t DO and life is what you make of it-you’re a badass.

    Thank you for reminding me to take some hats off. Or all of them. Maybe I’ll find a cute headband or something? šŸ™‚

    xoxo!

    Reply
    • 8. cescogar321  |  March 18, 2010 at 6:39 PM

      You just made my heart smile šŸ™‚

      It’s been a very “self-discovering” last year for me, and sometimes I feel like I’m making progress and making a difference and then some days I just want to stay in my pajamas and mope and curse. Maybe it’s the sunshine and the birds singing, but I feel like I’m having a “few steps forward” kind of week šŸ™‚

      I love your words – thank you!

      Always,
      Carolina

      Reply
  • 9. Lisa  |  March 25, 2010 at 3:23 PM

    I am so with you on this. It’s so easy to get into a rut sometimes, and just…not do anything about it! But I have to remind myself, daily, minute by minute even, that’s it’s up to me. No one is responsible for my outlook but me. I have the choice, to be sad, down, depressed, cranky…or to do something about it, and turn things around and be happy and make my life how I want it. Um…you know? Haha. I hope you’re having a wonderful day, and also thanks for all your support on my blog! ā¤

    Reply

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