On Being Alone.
Not the “figurative” alone; the kind that leaves you feeling like no one understands you, or loves you, or wants you. I’ve never had an issue with that. My life has been gifted enough with a handful of people that I’ve never doubted understood me, loved me, or wanted me in their lives. That has never been the issue.
What is the issue for me is the physical alone; the kind of alone that leaves you looking around at an empty house, hearing the words you spoke out loud to yourself echo off the walls. That is the issue.
I’ve never been the person who wanted to be alone. I like looking at peoples’ eyes, and hearing them laugh, and touching their arms, and feeling their warmth. I like being with those that I love. I like them surrounding me with who they are; no words need to be exchanged, just having them there is enough.
I do enjoy my mental alone time, I think most people do. Sometimes I need to just be separated from the people and the noise and the whirlwind that life sometimes becomes and just be with my thoughts, in my head; alone. But never in my life did I ever want being alone to be a full time job, and that’s what it is right now. A full time job that pays me nothing, and takes from me so much sparkle.
I don’t like being alone for too long. I don’t like watching the clock to see just how many more minutes I will have to be.
Maybe it’s about choice though. Maybe it has more to do with that I have no real choice but to spend time alone for now, for the most immediate future. Maybe if I had the full feeling of people in my life right now, people that are a phone call, a quick drive away, the full time job of being alone would be different. But right now the choice isn’t my luxury.
And I realize that there are so many things that I could be doing to fill my time: writing, reading, drawing, exercising, building, cleaning, streamlining, creating, thinking, preparing. A million things that I could do that could keep me from watching the minutes slowly tick by until I see a car pull up.
But I would still be alone.
And I just don’t know when I’ll be okay with that; when it won’t be chore and thief of my sparkle.
Hopefully soon. Hopefully.