On Being Alone.

March 12, 2010 at 4:04 PM 4 comments

Not the “figurative” alone; the kind that leaves you feeling like no one understands you, or loves you, or wants you. I’ve never had an issue with that. My life has been gifted enough with a handful of people that I’ve never doubted understood me, loved me, or wanted me in their lives. That has never been the issue.

What is the issue for me is the physical alone; the kind of alone that leaves you looking around at an empty house, hearing the words you spoke out loud to yourself echo off the walls. That is the issue.

I’ve never been the person who wanted to be alone. I like looking at peoples’ eyes, and hearing them laugh, and touching their arms, and feeling their warmth. I like being with those that I love. I like them surrounding me with who they are; no words need to be exchanged, just having them there is enough.

I do enjoy my mental alone time, I think most people do. Sometimes I need to just be separated from the people and the noise and the whirlwind that life sometimes becomes and just be with my thoughts, in my head; alone. But never in my life did I ever want being alone to be a full time job, and that’s what it is right now. A full time job that pays me nothing, and takes from me so much sparkle.

I don’t like being alone for too long. I don’t like watching the clock to see just how many more minutes I will have to be.

Maybe it’s about choice though. Maybe it has more to do with that I have no real choice but to spend time alone for now, for the most immediate future. Maybe if I had the full feeling of people in my life right now, people that are a phone call, a quick drive away, the full time job of being alone would be different. But right now the choice isn’t my luxury.

And I realize that there are so many things that I could be doing to fill my time: writing, reading, drawing, exercising, building, cleaning, streamlining, creating, thinking, preparing. A million things that I could do that could keep me from watching the minutes slowly tick by until I see a car pull up.

But I would still be alone.

And I just don’t know when I’ll be okay with that; when it won’t be chore and thief of my sparkle.

Hopefully soon. Hopefully.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Brett  |  March 12, 2010 at 4:22 PM

    How wonderfully honest… I’ve had people tell me that one must be comfortable being alone to truly appreciate the company of others. Personally, I disagree. What I do, is I’ll steal away to strangers and fall in love with their company when those I wish were around, can’t be. I’ll sit down at the coffee shop and read and overhear a bit, watch, and laugh at the comedy and wit of others. I’m sorry to hear that you are alone, but I’m not going to tell you that you need to be okay with being alone either. It’s who you are and I don’t think it needs to be changed or fixed. You may just have to get clever about what you need – afterall, it is a need…

    Wishing you the best!

    Reply
  • 2. Flora  |  March 12, 2010 at 4:56 PM

    It’s very relevant to me that you write about being physically isolated and feeling alone. I wonder if I’m going to feel this in Singapore. I’m a big advocate of “me” time, but I have a feeling I’ll have more of it than anticipated.

    The things we do for love…

    Reply
  • 3. Slamdunk  |  March 12, 2010 at 7:00 PM

    I hope you experience some good social time.

    I am an introvert and would be peachy most times if I was alone.

    Reply
  • 4. Amy --- Just A Titch  |  March 12, 2010 at 8:19 PM

    I know you’re sad to be alone, but maybe it’s a season? A good thing to prepare you for a time when you’ll crave alone-ness.

    Also, “thief of my sparkle” is a lovely turn of phrase. I love your writing!

    Reply

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