The Reluctantly Domesticated
Here’s the thing – “domestic” used to be a four-letter word to me. Stay home? Clean? Not WORK? Kill me slowly, just not as slowly as the domesticated life.
And after months and months of a lifestyle that bears absolutely no similarities to the one I lived prior, I finally get it. It’s not the domesticity that kills me – it’s not the staying home, or the cleaning, or the not working – it’s the fact that I feel like I am helping no one. That’s my hang-up; that’s what has been making it hard to call myself a Stay-at-Homer.
I have always felt an enormous sense of pride when I’ve helped someone. No matter how small the gesture, how unappreciated it may have been; it was important to me. Even at my ho-hum jobs that I knew were never going to go anywhere, that didn’t do much for me except give me a paycheck, I found I could enjoy the job as long as I could feel like I was helping someone.
You don’t know where the sprinkler timers are? Well right this way. or The invoice is missing a part number? Let me get that for you. or Just a straight deposit? I would love to help you.
I felt like I was a part of something bigger; like I was a part of the axis of the earth and I was helping this big, crazy, sometimes totally messed up world spin a little smoother. And that made me feel good. It made me feel worthwhile. It made me feel like I was doing something. And that is all I’ve ever wanted.
To make the world a better place – that’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of when it comes to what I want to do with my life. And from the confines of my walls, and responsibilities, and lack of people that can seek my help, I’ve felt like I’m falling so short of the only thing I was so sure about; so passionate about. And that dims the sparkles in my eyes and muffles the songs in my heart. That’s what makes it so hard for me to be a woman domesticated.
So maybe I need a bigger picture, a reality check, or some reassuring words to help me understand that despite my domesticated lifestyle, I am making the world spin a little smoother. That this, right now, will only lead to bigger and better, grander and greater ways to make a difference, to help, to give what I have and want to give.
And while I’ll never truly enjoy not always being out and about or washing dishes or clothes or the fact that my job doesn’t come with a paycheck for the time being, maybe I can feel a little better about this whole staying home thing…
And stop feeling like an animal in a cage.