Monday in the Bay.
Took a trip to San Francisco today; it started out less than great. I love it when that happens.
First of all, I’m a poor planner. As in, if I have to plan a trip it’s guaranteed that not only will all invited parties NOT know that the trip is happening and/or at what time but there will also be at least a half dozen of small bursts of chaotic frustration on my part. I know that if I just planned it would solve most of the frustration, but sometimes I just think, “I’ve done this enough times…pffft, how frustrated could I get?” Very. Let’s explore today’s debacles…
Exhibit A – First, I completely forgot to tell my brother, the Jesus, that a) we were going to San Francisco, and b) it was important that he come since part of his Christmas present was to be had there (High five, me!).
Exhibit B – When driving my mom’s super sleek and sexy Kia Sedona, which by the way is just SO made for busy city driving, I have a tendency to almost always stop with the nose of the van in the cross walk. I know, it’s bad form, and I try to stay aware of it, really. So after dropping off my the Husbatron and the Jesus off at the Barber Shop (Eric wanted to get Jesus a straight-razor shave for Christmas; nothing says, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” like a sharp blade to your throat.) my mom and I were left to our own devices, so we of course made a bee-line for the nearest Starbucks. Along our route we came to a stop sign that I stopped at in my lousy, nose-in-the-crosswalk fashion and some guy walking his dog made a gesture like, “C’mon…really??” I, understanding the error of my ways, nodded my head in what I thought was a clear sign of, “I know…I suck…I’m sorry.” This, however, is not what the guy understood. Instead he understood that I pretty much thought he should shove the nose of the Sedona and his dog up his tubby, ginger butt and then proceeded to avenge this insult by gesturing wildly and yelling, “MOVE YOUR FUDGING (but he didn’t say, “Fudging,”) VAN OUT OF THE CROSSWALK!” Well alright then, sir. Thank you for being so gracious this fine afternoon.
Exhibit C – Moments later, I’m talking 20 seconds max, this lady behind me honks because I am taking too long at the stop sign. Well I’m sorry ma’am, in your over-priced and fairly unattractive Mercedes SUV, I didn’t know that typical protocol at an intersection was to RUN OVER 3 pedestrians because YOU are in a hurry. My bad. I should know that your life is more important than those of these pedestrians. I mean blood totally isn’t too hard to clean off my bumper…a once through the AM/PM car wash and it’s like nothing happened.
Exhibit D – Now I will note that in the “FUDGING!” incident I completely kept my cool; like, “Okay, I made a mistake, there was a clear misunderstanding, let’s not embarrass ourselves likethatguy.” This second incident however, hit me just right and at precisely the right moment. In an instant I was leaping off my seat, turning around and yelling through the remaining 4 feet of the van gesturing wildly at this lady who was now seeing just how crazy mini-van drivers can be. I’ll admit it wasn’t my proudest, or most attractive, moment but damn it felt good to see the horror on her face when she realized that she was trying to encourage me to run over real-life people and now looked like a real prized piece.
And this was all before 1 PM.
Luckily after that the Universe took note and decided I must have had enough today and was clearly not going to demonstrate much grace if faced with anything else in the realm of minor irritations and went a little easy on me. After that my Mama bought me some of my favorite flowers and then on the way back to our car some guy stopped me to tell me I was, “gorgeous.” I’m not one for cheap flattery but it felt good today. He could have said, “Hey, you…I just want you to know that I think you’re not completely hideous,” and I would have appreciated it in ways no one would have understood. I felt THAT gross today that it would have made that big of a difference. So thank you stranger man, thank you very much.
Though I did fail to mention how I ruined the surprise for the Jesus, the 2 red lights I nearly ran AND the bicyclist that almost ate Sedona for dinner tonight as the result of the first nearly ran red light. But hey, he didn’t even look scared. I mean he rides a BIKE in San Francisco for crying out loud…he’s just asking for near death experiences.